Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
