Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
