tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
