How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
