I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
