haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
