Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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