Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
