Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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