Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
