I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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