we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
