Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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