She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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