hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
