Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
