I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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