i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
