Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
