Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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