She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
