People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i think i just lost a toe
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
