Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
