Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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