I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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