Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
