I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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