Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
