Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
