he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
