She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
