She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
