it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
