3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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