my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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