i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
