Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
