I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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