Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
