im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
