They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
