My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
