if you like me you must not know who I am
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
