so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
