Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
