So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
