I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
