He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
