btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
