then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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